On rape fantasies, BDSM, and other kinks of imaginary or consensual violence

aiffe:

There seems to be this idea going around that women can have (SSC—and the “consensual” part only applies to the real world, not fantasy) kinks that aren’t “feminist,” The whole, “You can enjoy it if you want, but you have to admit it’s problematic” thing, and people having the kinks just generally feeling guilty—especially women who want to be dominated by men, or women who have rape fantasies. (Rape fantasies being one of the most common kinks women have.)

Here’s the thing: a rule that works for media in general should evaporate like the morning dew when it comes to my lady boners. Because it still comes down to controlling women’s sexuality. It comes down to setting rules, making us apologize for it. Fap fantasies are fictional, the women getting off on them are not. I’m going to prioritize that real woman (and her pleasure) every time. Every woman having an orgasm is a feminist act. Women not having to justify the things that give them pleasure, provided no one else is harmed, is a subversive, wonderful, feminist act.

However, it seems to be making matters worse that people have an incredibly poor understanding of why people have violent sexual fantasies, including but not limited to rape fantasies, to begin with. The old chestnut about how it allows women to experience “sex” without having to feel like sluts for saying yes is still getting circulated, and looking increasingly absurd. There are women who will leave their dildos out when they have company over and tell you more about their sexual habits than you ever wanted to know, who still have rape fantasies. They’re not afraid of consent or agency, that’s absurd.

Others believe they may had internalized some male gaze bullshit telling them rape is sexy. While it’s true we’ve internalized a lot of bullshit in general, the message women are given about rape (especially the violent, anonymous rape many women fantasize about) is certainly not that we should enjoy it—we’re told that it’s “the worst thing that can ever happen to a woman,” we’re told it will damage us for life. The phrase “a fate worse than death” was originally coined to describe rape.

The real reason for it is so simple it’s gonna blow your mind.

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